Loving Well With Wild Woman (Part One)

(Note: this post is about abortion. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with controversial and/or potentially sensitive topics.)

“I had friends on both sides of the abortion divide, and it was surreal to be in a position where we all thought the other side was complicit in grave evil.” —Leah Libresco

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I first heard of Wild Woman many years ago when I read Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. Though I had met Wild Woman before, I did not know her name until I read Estes’ book about the wild feminine. Wild is not used here in a dismissive or condescendng sense, which often means out of control. But in its original sense, which means “to live a natural life…with innate integrity and healthy boundaries.” I read the book again hoping Wild Woman might help me express my thoughts about an issue that grows more contentious by the day—the issue of abortion.

Many tough questions emerged as I immersed myself in the huge body of information about abortion. Yet some of the most thought-provoking aspects seemed rarely, if ever, part of the larger conversation by either the pro-life or pro-choice camp.

For example, some studies show a definitive link between the U.S. abortion rate and the country’s crime rate over the last several decades. Also, that as many as one-third of mammals in the wild kill their own offspring immediately after birth if they sense that the resources in the surrounding environment, including food, water, or lack of care, are not sufficient to sustain them. Illness and power can play a role as well. I also learned that Christians, Muslims, Jews, and other people of faith often hold different ideas, even among themselves, about what personhood looks like in the unborn. That makes it difficult to form policy around U.S. Constitutional protections about religious freedom.

Loving well plays a key role in the ongoing stalemate about abortion. Even so, I struggled with how to articulate it. Then I stumbled upon a book by the late feminist author and icon, bell hooks. It was The New York Times bestseller All About Love. Seattle Weekly called it “a refreshing spiritual treatise that steps outside the confines of the intellect and into the wilds of the heart.”

The “wilds of the heart” are where loving well lives and breathes. “When we love we can let our hearts speak,” hooks said.

A recent Kelly Corrigan Wonders podcast episode, part of a series called Rupture + Repair, also inspired me. In it, Kelly, a self-described pro-choice liberal, speaks with April Lawson, a pro-life conservative. Their hope is that their dialogue might “serve as a model for hard but productive conversations around tender topics.” My hope is that they succeed beyond their wildest dreams in this regard.

The podcast affirmed my belief that better conversations about abortion are not only possible, they are essential. I think Estes would agree that such exchanges offer a way through some of the messiest and most intractable issues life has to offer. In a Sounds True interview with host Tami Simon, Estes says:

Different people are different. Different people have different ideas and I think we can listen when a woman or man together are pregnant. We can listen to all their ideas. Theirs. Not the over-culture’s—theirs. And then we can see from there: What is the holy way to proceed? What is the pragmatic way to proceed? What is the holy pragmatic way to proceed?

Better Together

For the record, I believe that a fertilized human egg is intrinsically holy and worthy of protection. Unfortunately, when some people hear that they instantly drop me into a traditional pro-life box where I don’t belong. Why? Because I also believe that by divine design those precious cells are entrusted to a fully formed female body whose decision about whether to carry them to term is hers to make. If God was not prepared to risk all that human potential, God had a million less precarious options for populating the planet. Could it be that God trusts pregnant women to make the best choices they can at a particular moment in time?

That view, of course, routinely gets me reassigned to a traditional pro-choice box where I also don’t belong. Why? Because that pre-born bundle of cells miraculously divides and swells into something more distinctly alive in the usual sense, most notably something with a heartbeat. Just a few weeks later, brain activity can be measured. It’s here I begin to perceive the profound wisdom of Nobel Prize winner and Danish physicist, Niels Bohr. “The opposite of a small truth is a falsehood,” he said. “The opposite of a great truth is another great truth.” 

Take “My body, my choice,” for example. I believe at the core of my being that it’s true. But I wrestled with whether I considered it a small truth (fact) or a great truth, the latter of which, by Bohr’s definition, instantly invokes yet another great truth. 

After heartfelt prayer and deep listening, I landed firmly in favor of “My body, my choice” as a great truth. One that prioritizes, without apology, a strong, smart, self-sufficient independence (I) for which Americans are especially well known. In Habits of the Heart, author Robert N. Bellah states that:

Individualism lies at the very core of American culture…Anything that would violate our right to think for ourselves, judge for ourselves, make our own decisions, live our lives as we see fit, is not only morally wrong, it is sacrilegious.  

American women continue to work fervently to expand that independence for themselves, their daughters, and granddaughters. This work must continue. However, an unplanned pregnancy can interrupt and even reverse many of the financial and other forms of independence achieved by many women. Some never recover from the setback. For others, an unplanned pregnancy can facilitate independence. Either way, the physical and physiological changes that a woman’s body undergoes during this time can render her emotionally, spiritually, and mentally vulnerable. Not irrational, not hysterical—but deeply vulnerable, sometimes in ways she may not understand or even be aware.

Such vulnerability, I believe, is best experienced in community, which helped me identify the competing great truth about “My body, My Choice” as “It Takes A Village.” The Village (V) prioritizes, also without apology, a trustworthy and judicious interdependence that invites and embraces the collective, loving, and generous wisdom of what the Bible refers to as “many counselors.” Bellah calls it “a form of individualism fulfilled in community rather than against it.”

V may be small, comprised only of one or two diverse, discerning, and discreet others who care as much about the pregnant woman as they do the precious cargo she carries. Ideally, however, it also includes partners, parents, friends, healthcare workers, faith leaders, or others. Big or small,V’s purpose is to lovingly, yet fearlessly challenge and support I as she makes her decision, whatever that decision may be. For even in community, I always has the last word. Free will is her God-given right, difficult as that can be for others to accept.

It's tempting to assume that I is all about rights and V is all about responsibilities. But that’s not the case. At their best, I and V both flee from rigid, rebellious, coercive, or self-righteous attention to abortion rights without responsibilities and vice versa. That’s what makes I and V together so beautifully balanced. Like a mobius strip, they dip and dive in and around one another in a cosmic configuration that defies easy explanations. True reproductive justice includes both rights and responsibilities. “When love is present,” says hooks, “the desire to dominate and exercise power cannot rule the day.”

Some intelligent, caring people will pronounce the above unscientific, unproveable, oppressive, silly, or even subversive. That’s okay. Our life experiences, sensibilities, influences, and other ways of forming opinions likely are different. That inevitably can lead to a different, but no less holy and in Corrigan’s words, no less protective, viewpoint. I don’t need their approval or permission to believe what I believe, and they don’t need mine. But neither of us has the right to force the other to discard our personal, often hard-won values and views when loving well takes a form we do not—or will not—recognize. “Wild Woman shows up in many sizes, shapes, colors, and conditions,” says Estes. “Stay awake so you can recognize the wild soul in all its many guises.”

Holy Pragmatism

Be that as it may, if it’s a theocracy rather than a democracy we want, there is no need for introspection or collaboration. The parameters are fixed; our sacred texts and religious institutions will tell us—and everyone else—how and what to think about abortion. Even so, many feel strongly that the peace, wisdom, and joy of such surrender is the best and most holy expression of a life lived for God. I know that is true for some people; when I see it lived out with loving well at the forefront, I marvel at its power to make a difference. My friend, “Jan” offers a great example.

Jan was the board president at her local crisis pregnancy center. She was mature in her Christian faith as well as a skilled, effective, and gracious leader. When a branch of Planned Parenthood (PP) opened down the street, Jan, along with the pregnancy center’s director, “Robin,” reached out to the PP director who was also the doctor who performed their abortions. The three met for lunch. There Jan asked the doctor if he would consider sending any woman who expressed hesitation about ending her pregnancy, over to the crisis pregnancy center to see what they had to offer.

Many may be surprised that the doctor agreed to consider Jan’s request. PP has a reputation among the pro-life crowd that does not allow for much that is good, let alone holy. (Conversely, some in the pro-choice crowd don’t think much of pregnancy help centers either.) Wild Woman, however, does not cater to the political, religious, or media-driven agendas of which we humans are so fond. Her focus is loving well so that the highest and best outcome possible at any given time can come to pass.

The more I pondered all this, the clearer it seemed that Roe vs. Wade was loving well’s best first attempt to create sane, sensitive abortion policy in the U.S. There’s more work to be done, and no one is asking anyone to become so open-minded that their brains fall out, as the saying goes. But a willingness to suspend the notion that there is nothing important to learn from each other is paramount. It won’t be easy. But as author and podcaster, Glennon Doyle, says, “We can do hard things.”

The question is how—how can we do this hard thing? I’ll explore that question further in part two, but here’s a hint: “Wild Woman,” says Estes, “is a combination of common sense and soul sense.” That means getting past the angry and accusatory nature of moral vs. immoral and us vs. them to something more complementary and transcendent—loving well.

Questions:

My hope is that the questions below might help each side of this difficult debate open their hearts more fully to the other, even as they may continue to disagree. For those who are interested, I have linked some questions to at least one source that may be useful in exploring that question further:

1.    Many feel that rape and incest are acceptable, even mandatory, exceptions to any restriction on abortion. Others believe both are too hard to prove in a consistent and credible way. Still others empathize with victims of rape and incest, but do not believe abortion is the proper response. What do you think?

2.    Complications of pregnancy that threaten the life, health, or future fertility of the mother, or medical testing that reveals serious fetal abnormalities, are a small percentage of abortions in the U.S. Why does such a small number of circumstances often dominate the discussion about abortion?

3.    Approximately 40% of abortions in the U.S. are repeat abortions. What would you say to those who cite that statistic to support their belief that for many, abortion appears to be a form of birth control?

4.    Statistics show that most women in the U.S. who seek an abortion are under 25 years old, poor, and black- or brown-skinned. That is not a racist statement, it’s a fact. But racism is part of the equation, as is poverty, education, and access to birth control. If we put our best efforts toward addressing the needs of this group, abortion rates overall would drop dramatically. So, why don’t we do it?

5. Some feel that adoption is the most loving and responsible way for a pregnant woman who does not want a child to move forward with her life. Others believe that adoption and abortion are different options that are needed or wanted for different reasons and that both should be affordable and accessible. How do you feel about this issue?